You Need to Forgive to Begin Again
by Hamilyn
Summary: What was Nick thinking and where was he going the night Dane mowed him down in his car? My imaginings of what Nick and Jen were thinking and going through during those days Nick was missing up until the last episode Ghosts and a bit beyond. Nick/Jen
1. Chapter 1

After re-watching the final episode arc of "No Greater Honour" again I felt inspired to write this. Also inspired by the songs Forget to begin by The Hampdens and All for Believing by Missy Higgins.

Nadine and John are such brilliant actors there's so much emotion portrayed just in their facial expressions so even though sometimes not much was said there's a lot going on between Nick and Jen in their minds and you can see it when you watch carefully.

So what _was_ Nick thinking and _where_ was he going when he packed his gun and headed out his front door right before Dane mowed him down with the car? This is my imagining of one way it could have happened and what Nick and Jen might have been thinking and going through up until the final episode Ghosts.

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><p>Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)<p>

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

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><p>Nick left his house and started walking down the street typing a text to Jen as he did. After she'd left he'd got to thinking and studied his crime board again: who had gained the most out of the whole debacle? And who was still left alive apart from Dane? Just Lombardi and himself: And Lombardi was after his skin! There was only one reason that he could think of that Lombardi would want him silenced so badly because <em><strong>he<strong>_ knew he didn't have anything to do with falsifying the evidence! He wasn't sure who Juliette's anonymous source was but he wasn't going to let Lombardi weasel his way out of this and get away with making him the fall guy while he pretended to be squeaky clean and made Homicide take the blame! He knew Jen wouldn't approve but there was no way he was going down without a fight. Lombardi wasn't going to get away with it he'd make him confess to what he'd done.

Nick felt he had been shown up and discredited as a total failure in everything he'd tried to do right from the start of his career and it had made him question all that he believed in and all that he thought he stood for. Until Dane Majors had happened he'd felt proud of what he did thinking he was good at it. But it turned out he'd put his trust in a liar, supported the wrong man and put an innocent one in jail and if he hadn't been such a fool Juliette would possibly still be alive. He felt he needed to leave police work and try something else. He'd only promised Jen he'd come back to work to appease her, he never could deny her anything she asked of him. Also at the back of his mind was the vain hope that if he resigned maybe, just maybe he and Jen might be able to work things out. She'd been a great friend to him throughout the whole ordeal staying by his side refusing to let him give up. He was grateful for her friendship but he still loved her so much and he didn't think her friendship was enough for him. Every time she was near he had to keep trying not to remember what it felt like to hold her in his arms as he fell asleep at night. He ached for her. Losing her had been the worst thing that had happened to him all year. If they couldn't work things out then maybe he needed to make a fresh start somewhere else? If Nick was the kind of man to truly give up this time was it: he really was at his lowest and it didn't feel like he had very much to live for. But Nick wasn't a quitter. Not really.

He had no reason to suspect Dane was in his car just down the street waiting for him as he tucked his gun into its holster, walked down his front steps and started writing a text to Jen. Her encouragement had kept him going and the kiss she'd given him had given him hope even though he knew he was probably being presumptuous.

_Thanks for everything Jen._

Nick came to cold and in great pain. It was dark and wherever he was had the dank smell of vegetation and rotting eucalyptus leaves. The dust in the room made him cough and he groaned. It hurt to breathe and his head was pounding. He wondered where he was. He couldn't hear anyone. He could hear a lot of parrots and kookaburras. He must be in the bush somewhere but where? He strained his ears to listen out for a rare birdcall, anything that might give him a clue. He tried to sit up and realised that his hands were half asleep from being bound with metal chains. He must have lost consciousness again then because the next time he opened his eyes a small stream of light was filtering through the dirty windows. He strained his neck to peer at his wrist but his watch was missing. Gritting his teeth against the pain he twisted and wrenched his hands to see if he could free them but all he managed to do was rub the skin raw. The stinging as well as the pain in his chest made his eyes water. He wriggled his hips but he couldn't feel his gun holster. He realised with shock that whoever had taken him now had his gun as well! He lay back, aching and temporarily defeated. The last thing he remembered was sending a text to Jen as he left his house. His stomach growled he hadn't actually had any dinner before he'd left and he was starving. He didn't know how long he'd been gone and he wondered if anyone had noticed he was missing.

Nick led a fairly solitary life not socialising all that much outside of work. He liked spending his time doing some things that other people might laugh at. He liked bird watching: He enjoyed the contrast of his work on the force with the peace of spending hours in the countryside searching for a rare species and the exhilaration of finding it and photographing it. The only child of older parents he'd learned to be self-sufficient. Tall and gangly and a bit old fashioned, growing up the other kids had considered him a bit of a dipstick. He rode his bike, went running and worked out. Keeping to himself and not used to opening up to people, he kept his feelings hidden most of the time. Then he'd met Jen on an assignment. He hadn't ever really talked in depth to a woman before her but being undercover they'd had a lot of time to talk. At first Jen did most of the talking but he'd slowly opened up to her and told her things he'd never told anyone else. She'd actually thought his love of bird watching was cute which had intrigued him. During their first assignment together he'd repressed his feelings for her and then they'd had to part under oath not to contact each other. Four years later they ended up working in the same department and it just wasn't the done thing to have a relationship with your co-worker. The second time they were thrown back under cover and he'd had to share a bed with her again he couldn't hide how he felt anymore. Sleeping next to her it was impossible not to touch her, the barriers he'd built over the years for himself to repress his love for her were broken down and he hadn't been able to stop himself from telling her how he felt.

He lost track of time lying on the floor chained to a post. There was no one around and no one had entered the room where he lay. He wondered whether he'd just been left here to die of starvation and thirst. The pain had got to a level now where he was just numb to it and couldn't feel anything. He wondered if anyone was looking for him or even if they knew he'd gone missing. Some people might think he'd just done a runner unable to face up to losing his reputation and perhaps his career. But if anyone might have belief in him and be looking for him it would be Jen. They'd been through thick and thin together covering each other's backs and taking care of each other. He called to her in his mind with all his might praying that she might through some miracle hear his voice.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

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><p>She'd kissed his cheek for encouragement as she'd left but it wasn't an entirely selfless act on her part she'd needed to try to feel some closeness with him again. She'd tried calling him a couple of times since then but it always went to voicemail. She left him a message. He never returned it and she figured he just wanted time to himself and didn't want to talk to her but when he hadn't turned up when he was supposed to on Thursday she started to feel concerned.<p>

Three days worth of newspapers on his doorstep but his Ute was still out the front putting her on high alert. Worry spiked at her heart. She entered his home using the hide-a-key. No sign of Nick. Increasing worry. She tried his number again but it was still going to voicemail. She didn't think that he would leave without telling her where he was going but then again his confidence had been dashed and he'd become discouraged. Tears prick in her eyes and a lump formed in her throat. She studied his murder board to see if she could work out where he had gone. She went into his bedroom. A few clothes lying around, a sign that Nick was disturbed and not himself because usually he liked to keep things fairly tidy but the bed was made. She picked up the clothes and put them on a chair in the corner of the room and then checked his gun safe. It was open! It just wasn't like him not to turn up. He'd never run away. And now his gun was missing. Fear crept up the back of her neck and made the hairs on her head start to stand up as the eerie feeling of dread grew. She sat on his bed feeling desolate. She despaired that something dreadful must have happened. She thought about his text message and started to wonder if it had a more sinister meaning. The seed of fear that started in stomach now grew and spread across her heart like a dark shadow engulfing her. Surely he wouldn't have taken such a desperate measure? She couldn't allow herself to think like that. _Nick, where are you? _She called out desperately.

_The pain in her arm was excruciating despite the painkillers and she tried so hard to hold back the tears but she wasn't able to. She'd leaned against him burying her face against his shoulder for comfort and cried through fear and pain and because the medication had dulled her normal reserve in these types of situations. She closed her eyes becoming aware of the masculine smell of him, slight sweat mixed with aftershave. It calmed her to feel the strength of his muscles beneath his shirt. He'd held her, running his hands over her back gently, trying to make her feel better. He'd laid his cheek against her hair, caressing her face and cuddling her unable to conceal his love for her. She clung to him with her one good arm and looked at him teary eyed and grateful for his presence and his care, silently apologising for breaking down in his arms. He shook his head and without even thinking bent down and kissed her mouth gently. He'd only meant to make her feel better. They pulled back and looked at each other and they both knew that one kiss wasn't enough for either of them but cameras were watching their every move. They held each other for a few more minutes in shock at what had happened._

He tried to stay alert despite his discomfort but light and dark, bell birds, cockatoos, wattle birds, it all became a blur that ran together as he fell in and out of consciousness. He came to again, sudden panic streaking through the pounding in his head as he heard the clanging of bottles and someone entered the room. A man stood over him. He couldn't quite focus on him but the outline bore a frightening familiarity. Dane stared down at Nick, his abject hatred for the man he'd left lying on the brick floor consuming him. He dumped his bottles of beer on the floor, took one and twisted the top off and taking a swig he curled his lip up,

"Awake now are you?" Nick remained mute. Dane Majors! Dane Majors had brought him here? Dane pulled out Nick's gun and pressed it to his temple enjoying the feeling of power it gave him. "So how's it feel to be on the receiving end for once?" He snarled digging the barrel in so that it made a red mark. The cold frisson of abject terror shot down Nick's body to his toes. He realised that Dane intended to kill him but would he do it so soon and with his own gun? Nick forced himself not to blink. Disappointed Dane lowered the gun and put it back into the waist of his pants. He wanted to draw this out, make Buchanan suffer before he killed him, which he would, he just hadn't chosen the method yet. He finished his beer and threw the empty bottle at Nick's head hitting him just above his eye. Blood started to seep out of the wound trickling into Nick's eye temporarily blinding him. The pounding in his head was now at screaming level. He closed his eyes for a moment to try and alleviate some of the pain. "Hey wake up no sleeping while I'm talking to you!" Dane kicked him and Nick howled in agony. Dane gazed at Nick in disgust. He was getting bored with this and he didn't want him to die before he decided how to end him. "Hurts does it?" He goaded him. "Good!" Dane kicked him again. He grabbed some gaffer tape out of his bag and ripped a piece off. He knelt down beside Nick ripped the tape off his mouth and stuck the new piece on. "You know I haven't decided what I'm going to do with you yet Buchanan. I need to think of something really special!" He contemplated letting Nick take the blame for killing the judge so he could rot in jail but that was too good for him! Besides he wanted the pleasure of finishing him off himself. Ah, he'd decide how later. Right now he had Alan bloody Sullivan to take care of and he was looking forward to that. "I've gotta go. Business to attend to." He gave Nick another sharp kick in the gut on his way out and laughed revelling in the moan of pain it elicited. "See ya later mate!"

Nick didn't need a degree in psychology to tell that the man was cracked. He'd loved cricket when he was growing up and he'd been captain of the school team for a while. To think that he'd once revered this man as a cricket legend and actually felt excited to speak with him albeit as a suspect. He'd been willing to give him a fair go but the evidence against him while mostly circumstantial had been pretty damning. The man was a wife beater and any man that would hit a woman made Nick's blood boil! Dane Majors must have blown up Padgett but whether he intended to kill him or whether Alan Sullivan was his intended victim Nick wasn't sure. Someone needed to warn Alan! He struggled futilely against the chains again and he cursed himself. He had no means of contacting anyone unless he could free himself. If he hadn't been so utterly stupid Dane wouldn't have had the chance to run him down with his car and he might not be here now! He'd been stupid to think he could have done anything anyway. What was he thinking? Well he just hadn't been that much was certain! He'd been a bloody idiot going off the cuff like that. He knew Lombardi and all that would have happened if he'd actually had the lunacy to turn up at the man's house was he would have made things worse for himself. He'd probably be in jail rather than here but maybe that would have been better?

He needed to stay awake. He allowed himself to close his eyes and he concentrated on the best memory he'd ever had.

_Five years of stifled feelings exploded in gentle yet intensely passionate lovemaking. He had to restrain himself because she was injured and he was afraid of hurting her. He cradled her in his arms beneath his body kissing her face, her neck, her breasts, burying his face in her hair inhaling the scent of her. The immeasurable joy he felt at being able to run his hands over her, touch her, kiss her. His hands roamed freely and she sighed and moaned as he moved with her, their emotions reaching a crescendo as he lost himself in the feel of her. The heat of her breath against his neck and her hands gripping his shoulders. Their fingers laced and amorous loving kisses, tangled in the sheets together expressing the depth of his love for her as she responded to his most intimate caresses. He thought it would be like that between them forever._

A tear ran down his face and lodged in his ear. _I love you Jen._ He'd felt they had a future together if only she hadn't got scared.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

* Lyrics from Forget to Begin The Hampdens

_*1 _Lyrics from All for Believing Missy Higgins

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><p>You're always on my mind.<p>

You're the voice inside my head.*

She waited in Stanley Wolfe's office steadying herself using all of her training and experience as a tough female officer to repress her emotions and push all the fear and anxiety she felt way down to the pit of her stomach so she could remain objective and not come across to Stanley as hysterical. He entered his office. She found couldn't speak fearing that if she voiced her fears they'd all come true. Stanley's heart softened when he saw her. He knew something wasn't right. He asked her what was wrong. She had so much faith in, and respect for him and she almost felt as though he was a father to her in some ways, that his kindly inquiry nearly broke through the barriers she'd erected to control her feelings. Stanley knew Jennifer had worked closely with Nick Buchanan in the past as well as fairly recently. It was understandable that she might be upset but he also knew she had a level head. Stanley was the voice of reason and she clung to that to control the sting of suppressed tears. No sign of a break in. She nearly lost it, her fears resurfacing. Nick had a tough time ahead. Well all that was true but it just wasn't like Nick to walk away from his problems and she told him so. No. She knew he just wouldn't do that. And what about his message? She knew on some level that she was probably being ridiculous to have any suspicion that he could end his own life but he'd been through a lot and lost so much. He blamed himself. She knew he was at a low point and he could easily have gone off to do something stupid. Allie walked in alerting them to a new case a male with a single gunshot wound which stoked her fears. She looked at Stanley and he saw the dread in her eyes.

As I travel through this life I try to stay ahead

But I'll never see you again.*

Tim Padgett, Helen Jefferson and now Martin Dangerfield. She'd felt guilty that she'd been relieved when she'd seen the body in the morgue wasn't Nick. Poor Martin, poor old man he did not deserve to end his days like that shot in the chest and left under a bush like a piece of rubbish! She looked up at the murder board. A clear picture was starting to form in her head. If Dane had killed the others what might he have done to Nick? Feeling hysterical now she knew she was pushing it as she tried to persuade Stanley to investigate Majors. Matt and the others were with her but Stanley had to remain completely objective, it was his job and they had their orders from above. Jen was sure Majors was behind this and now Nick was missing. It was obvious he had something to do with it. But Stanley had his orders and he refused to allow them to investigate though he had obviously understood her because he sent Duncan with her to search Nick's place.

She collected all of Nick's notes and files making sure that the illegal copies were kept separately. As she walked out the front door she saw all the uniforms searching the street. There was kindness in Duncan's voice as he tried to reassure her that Nick was going to be OK but they found blood on the road and her stomach churned again. She forced herself to remain objective she would not allow herself to break down here. A smashed mobile phone and Nick's watch under the agapanthus: It wasn't looking good, she felt as though her worst fears were gradually being realised. She was finding it increasingly difficult to maintain her policewoman demeanour as she thought about the evidence.

They were all worried about Nick but Jen seemed to be having a particularly hard time. She was a very caring person and he knew that she'd be upset if any one of them had disappeared especially under these circumstances. He was concerned about Nick himself. Dunny put his arm around her as they walked back to the car.

"It's OK Jen. He's going to be OK." Jen couldn't speak. Duncan sincerely hoped he was right.

Nick's thoughts varied, drifting from the positive, where he'd try yet again to free himself, to abject misery and the probable finality of his situation. He tried to keep alert forcing himself to keep his mind active. He focused on the things he still needed to do on his house, the plans he had: Stripping walls and painting, what he wanted to do upstairs. Working on the house helped to keep him calm. He found satisfaction in the resolution of his ideas for a particular area seeing it through to completion. He thought about the hopes he had for his life that inevitably involved Jen, futile as it seemed they were especially right now. He thought of Jen a lot. He'd spent the last couple of months trying **not** to think about her but now he needed to to make himself keep going. His Jen. Lovely Jen he might never see her again. He loved her so much and if he died here she'd never know.

_She needed help with the sling. He tied it up for her running his hands down her arms gently when he'd finished. "Oh Nick," She'd turned and leaned against him and cried both with relief because their ordeal was over and they had the protection of homicide now and the pain because her arm still really hurt her so much despite the medication. Jen was tough and it took a lot to make her break down. He knew it was only because of her trust in him that she was allowing herself some release and he couldn't bear to see her in so much pain. He held her, his head against hers, hardly able to breathe._

"_We're safe now Jen. We'll get them you don't need to worry anymore." He cuddled her gently and rubbed his cheek against her head affectionately. She knew he really liked her but he didn't think she knew the depth of his love and devotion to her. Love he'd kept hidden for nearly five years. He pulled back from their embrace and wiped the tears off her face caressing her cheek gently. They stared at each other. He knew they shouldn't they were expected back at homicide right now but they couldn't help it they both leaned forward and closed the distance. He thought he would just comfort her with a quick kiss but his lips pressed against hers and they were overcome. It wasn't enough for either of them, without the cameras watching they couldn't hold themselves back anymore and their soft gentle kisses of comfort and support became a passionate expression of repressed feelings._

Jen had started her day at 5am to attend the scene of Helen Jefferson's murder. She'd been working all day but it was the constant guarding of her overwrought feelings that really left her drained. She was on the phone. She'd been calling all the emergency departments but no one had seen Nick. The latest one was not being very helpful and had just hung up on her. She understood she knew their first priority was emergency patients but it was harrowing and frustrating. She rubbed her neck trying to pull herself together so she could think. Matt told her to go home. _As if_ she could do that. The man she loved was missing and probably injured she'd never give up searching until she found him! Her eyes drifted towards Nick's murder board notes. Deep throat. Of course! They should try calling him.

"The number you are calling has been disconnected."

Matt saw the disappointment in her eyes. "Jen, it was worth a try," he assured her.

The pain rose in her throat again that yet another lead had turned up a blank. She was felt exhausted and she decided she'd better leave, she knew if she didn't she might break down. She was barely holding herself together emotionally. She drove out onto Flinders Street but she couldn't just go home she knew she wouldn't sleep. She needed to feel close to Nick. She drove the familiar drive to his house.

His house felt like home to her as she walked through his front door but the most important part of it was missing. She closed her eyes for a moment picturing Nick on the ladder painting the wall. She wandered into his kitchen and made herself a cup of tea. When she threw the bag in the bin she noticed the remains of a microwave dinner.  
>"Oh Nick," she muttered. He hadn't been eating properly and had been drinking more than he should have over the time he'd been suspended. She had been worried about him. She sat on his couch and looked around at the familiar surroundings that all seemed to bemoan the fact that their owner was missing and hadn't come back. She gazed at Nick's photos that he'd pinned on the walls without frames and smiled. She ran her finger over the old framed photos of Nick's Dad's cricket team. She stared at the ladder, the last place she'd seen him. She knew he'd only agreed to come back to work to please her but she knew that was where he belonged. He blamed himself for Bruce Dalton's suicide and Juliette's death but he was a good cop and he shouldn't give that up! Juliette. Juliette. Poor girl it wasn't her fault but Jen couldn't think of her without a sting in her heart. There was no way she could even consider sleeping with anyone else. She'd thought that what she and Nick had between them was love but apparently that hadn't stopped him from sleeping with someone else. Her perverse mind wondered if he'd held Juliette afterwards the way he'd held her. It hurt that sex was more important to him than the love she thought he had for her. She'd thought that what they had had been special, had meant something. She knew she'd hurt him when she broke it off but she wondered what was it with Juliette? What <em>had<em> he felt about her? If she hadn't died would he have continued to see her?

Nick shifted again miserably on the cold floor. It hurt to move but he wanted to at least try and keep some circulation going. His back and head ached and his arms hurt, everything hurt. For the first time in his life he felt completely out of control of the situation and he didn't mind admitting he was terrified!

_"Yeah I killed them all!" Dane bragged. "You're starting to smell a bit mate," Dane laughed giving him a shove with his foot. "Not that that'll matter where you're going!" He started cackling helplessly at his own joke. He was drunk and, as Nick now had been made fully aware, was completely out of his mind. He rambled on boasting about his cricket scores and all the women he'd had. He claimed to love Tahnei though. She was his life he claimed. Well, Nick thought, if that were true then he wouldn't have beat her, cheated on her. _

Guilt surfaced in his own mind. He and Jen weren't together anymore and at the time Juliette had approached him he'd felt a sense of complete hopelessness about things between them so he'd let himself sleep with her. He was embarrassed about it now and he felt as though he'd betrayed Jen in some way. They'd never talked about it or anything to do with their relationship since that terrible day in the car. He despaired that he would die with things left the way they were between them and she'd think he didn't love her.

She sat up on his couch watching for him to walk through his front door surprise on his face to see her sitting there. Three days he'd been missing. Three days, a smashed mobile, his watch and blood on the road. She was sure it was his. Anything could have happened to him in that time but she tried not to think of the worst. She couldn't have slept worrying about where he was hoping he was OK. After midnight she started to feel cold and she went into his room to get a blanket. She stood by his bed. The room was silent but alive with memories of him.

_"You gonna get up Jen?" Nick was standing by his wardrobe pulling on his running gear._

_"Mmm in a minute," she groaned. Why did he want to get up so early on the one day of the week they had off? She smiled mischievously to herself as she got an idea. "Hey Nick," she grinned._

_"Yeah."_

_"Come here." Intrigued he walked over to her side of the bed. She sat up letting the sheet fall off of her baring her chest for him to see. She pulled his head down, "Give me a kiss before you go." She kissed him languidly and she ran her hands down his back pushing them into the waistband of his pants. He grinned at her._

_"Jen," he chuckled and his hand travelled up her waist to her breast. He caressed it gently as he returned her kiss. She pulled him down with her onto the bed and he was completely distracted his mind now on another form of exercise. Yep I got ya she thought._

She picked up his shirt from the chair, it smelled of him, she held it against her face trying to remember the feel of his skin against her cheek but she refused to let herself cry. She remembered the night they'd first slept together, it had been so powerful. She thought that sex with Nick would be pretty good but she wasn't prepared for the depth of passion they shared or his stamina. The way that they'd loved each other, the passion they'd felt and the release after nearly five years of holding back. He was so caring and gentle yet strong and the attraction she felt was intoxicating. She'd never felt so loved. It was the most intense experience she'd ever had. Dreamlike in the dark, exploring the curves and valley's of each other's bodies, feeling their way towards ecstasy. He'd cradled her careful not to touch her sore arm, their fingers laced, hot passionate kisses, skin slipping over skin, moaning their names. She'd never had a man love her like that before and she thought it was probably the best sex she'd ever had. He touched her reverently, held her face as he kissed her and stared deeply into her eyes as he moved with her. They'd held each other's gaze keeping nothing back baring their souls to one another. How could she ever have given him up? That kind of love she'd never shared with anyone before. She gave in and sobbed softly and a tear rolled down her cheek. She'd been a fool to end things between them she missed him every day and now she feared Dane may have killed him and she might never see him again. Would memories be all that she had left? No matter how dire things looked she refused to give up even if her search led her to something she didn't want to find out.

And say you will be there for me to hold,

When the faith grows old

And life turns cold

So if you're cold I will stay, maybe fate will guide the way.

I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be,

Just believe. Just believe. Just believe. *1


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

Dialogue borrowed from City Homicide, No Greater Honour episode "Last Man Standing". Story by Alix Beane, John Hugginson and John Banas, screenplay by Mia Tolhurst. Thank you guys you gave us the most exhilarating last few episodes of City Homicide and provided me with the inspiration to write this story!

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><p>Jen had dozed off a couple of times but she'd been up most of the night thinking. It was nearly 6am now and she would have to leave soon to shower and change. She really didn't want to leave it was very tempting to stay and wallow deep in her memories but that wouldn't help her find him. She got up and went to put her teacup in the dishwasher. She glanced out of the window at the clothesline.<p>

_She stood at his kitchen bench looking out of the patio windows, daydreaming as she dunked her teabag. Nick came up behind her and put his arms around her waist pulling her back against his body and rocking her gently. He kissed her cheek. She leaned back into him and closed her eyes for a moment. She could smell his aftershave and she loved the feeling of his arms as they wrapped around her. She rubbed her hand up and down his forearm absentmindedly, feeling the muscles as they flexed beneath her palm. Nick bent his head down and kissed her neck and she smiled reaching back to touch his cheek. She felt the heat of his breath against her ear as he spoke and it sent shivers up her spine._

_"You look like you're miles away. What are you thinking?" He nibbled at her neck, "Jennifer." She loved the way he said her name. She turned and looked at him. I love you Nick she thought. She kissed him softly._

_"Only that every time I come here there are socks and undies hanging on the line. How long have they been out there?" He laughed._

_"Well I'm a practical guy I just leave them out there for the rain to wash and take 'em in when they're done. Saves water," he joked and she chuckled and batted his nose playfully. _

_"You idiot," she smirked as he caught her hand and kissed it._

_"Yeah but you love me so what does that make you?" He jibed kissing her again. Yeah I do love you, I really do! She thought._

She took one last wistful glance around his lounge room hoping that the next time she was here she was with him again. She blinked in the morning sunlight and bent down to get the paper.

She felt more refreshed after a shower and some clean clothes but her whole body was weary, complaining about her refusal to rest. She sat down at the table in the meeting room for their morning review. Jarvis was banging on to Stanley about Alan Sullivan's disappearance. A vein of dread seeped up through her heart and spread at the base of her neck sending a cold sweat over her body. Alan Sullivan was now missing as well? Jarvis was extremely concerned he searched Major's house and found no trace of Nick or Alan. He may be a bit brash but she had a lot of respect for Jarvis. He was a good cop. He knew what he was doing. Bernice entered the room and she was holding a pathology report. She couldn't wait she had to know. She tried to steady her voice to sound as though she didn't care as though her life depended on it.

"Ma'am you've got the pathology report?"

Bernice confirmed that it was Nick's blood on the road. Her heart shrank and it took all her will power not to break down right there. Until then she'd been holding on to the hope that he wasn't hurt that he was out there somewhere and he'd come back. Now she feared the worst. Dane had killed three people already what if he'd killed Nick too? Stanley ordered a stake out of Majors house and she and Rhys were up first. She didn't need to be asked twice. She jumped up with Rhys following fast on her heals.

"Give me a sec I just have to go to the ladies," she called to him. "Go get the car ready. I'll be there in a sec." Rhys nodded heading off towards the lift. Jen rushed to the bathroom. She ran straight for the first stall and threw up. She stood for a moment catching her breath and willing herself to control the retching. She swilled her mouth out with water and wiped it, adjusting her makeup in the mirror. She gabbed a mint from her pocket and took another quick breather mentally preparing herself for whatever this day might have in store for her.

The door banged waking him up. Despite the discomfort he'd fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion. As was his habit Dane brought out the grog again and started going at it. He pointed the gun and Nick's head but he talked about caving his head in with a golf club. Nick had never had more sympathy for Tahnei!

"Killed that son of a bitch Lombardi. Yeah." He boasted with a wicked smirk on his face. Nick knew that if that were true his colleagues were bound to be on Dane's trail and he was sure that they had noticed by now that he was missing and were looking for him. He just prayed that they might find him in time.

"You married Nick?" No but he'd wanted to be. "Girlfriend? Well let's just pretend for a moment that you have. How would you feel if she was ripped away from you? Your life, everything you loved." _Ironic_ Nick thought. Dane grabbed a bat from the box he'd been carrying and started swinging it around. Nick tried not to flinch and blinked nervously preparing himself for if Dane was going to hit him again but instead he put a t shirt on and started rattling on again then he ripped the tape off Nick's mouth and got out a bottle of scotch. He poured some into a shot glass and tried to force Nick to drink it. He managed to spit most of it out. Breathing hurt but Nick still wanted to try and reason with Dane and perhaps buy himself some time. He wasn't complicit in planting the evidence but he felt like he was. Even though sorry was the last thing he felt towards Dane right now he roused himself to speak.

"I'm sorry," he managed. But unfortunately that was a mistake and it really sent Dane off. He exploded and kicked Nick full force in the ribs winding him badly. He coughed in agony, dragging his breath through his nose in pain. Dane grabbed the bottle of scotch again and strong-armed him.

"I wasn't a killer, " he said forcing the Scotch down Nick's throat making him cough and gag, "when you put me in prison but I am now." Nick tried to spit it out but he couldn't. The strong alcohol burned his throat and stung the wounds on his face. Dane jammed the gun up under his chin again. "I sat in that cell night after night for ten years. You buried me alive Nick now that's what I'm going to do to you." So. That's what his fate would be if his colleagues couldn't find him in time. He didn't want to die! He willed them to find him screaming out in his mind _I'm in a cabin in the bush_!

The afternoon wore on and still there were no sounds of anyone else at all apart from Dane. Being thrown into the back of a car with a dirty sheet thrown over the top of him he was starting to feel resigned to his fate. The car was hot. It was black and it was a warm day. He shifted. There was someone else here with him, he could feel human bones digging into him but the sweet putrid odour of early decomposition told him whoever it was wasn't alive. He shifted his body as much as he could. He could see blood spattered, clear plastic and the edges of what he recognised was a press badge. Alan Sullivan. Sadness and fear mixed with revulsion from the smell. Poor Alan. So Dane really had killed him and he was going to kill him too and it wouldn't be fast. He closed his eyes trying to prepare himself. If he was going to go he wanted to be thinking good things. He'd think of her and the love he still felt for her and what a terrific mother she'd make some day. He'd concentrate on the best memories he ever had and maybe it would take his mind of it and it wouldn't be so bad. A tear ran down his face. He sobbed quietly, "Jen." He'd never have the chance to tell her now how much he loved her or to thank her for even a few of the best memories he'd ever had.

_"I know we can't contact each other again but I wanted to give you something."_

_"Aww Nick you didn't have to do that." She opened the small box. There was a fine gold chain with a teardrop pearl hanging from it. She fingered it appreciatively. He wanted to tell her then that he loved her but he knew it was inappropriate and they couldn't ever see each other again. She smiled at him and he helped her put it on. She placed her hand across the pendant. "I'll always wear it and I'll think of you," she promised. They looked at each other and leaned in for a brief but heartfelt kiss. _

_"Bye Nick."_

_"Bye Jen." _

_He watched her walk away. Four years later his heart skipped a beat when he saw her again at Matt's party. She was still wearing his necklace._


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

Dialogue borrowed from City Homicide, No Greater Honour episode "Last Man Standing". Story by Alix Beane, John Hugginson and John Banas, screenplay by Mia Tolhurst and season 4 episode 9 "Gut Instinct."

Personally I think Nick's injuries would have been a lot worse than they were made out to be on the show (he came back in to work the next day for God's sake!) I'm sure he would have had cracked ribs at least poor man - ouch! I think he deserved at least one day off but there you go we'll go with what happened on the show ;)

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><p>They hadn't spent a night apart since they'd gone undercover and it was blissful. She was blissfully in love, they both were, she knew it was true even though they hadn't said it. Lying in bed cuddled up together talking as they usually did after sex they were interrupted by a knock on her door. Perplexed she tried to think of who on earth it could be and was astonished to find Matt on her doorstep. <em>Speak of the devil!<em> It was after nine thirty and he'd turned up with a bottle of wine, which raised alarm bells in her mind. What on earth did he want?

"Matt!"

"I felt bad about how we left things this afternoon." She eyed the wine suspiciously for a moment. Great! First Copeland, now Matt. At least Matt had the decency to bring wine she thought sardonically. _I've just had the most amazing sex with the man I'm in love with!_

"It's late. I'm in bed," she attempted to curb the irritation in her voice that he'd come by so late as she anxiously tried to fob him off wishing he'd just leave but not wanting to be rude. He didn't want to give up though. She knew he needed to talk but now just wasn't the appropriate time even if Nick hadn't happened to be in her bedroom! She couldn't keep her eyes off that bottle of wine feeling increasingly offended every time she eyed it. He finally took the hint and she managed to get him to go, mixed feelings of guilt and annoyance churning within her. It made her even more grateful for Nick. She stood at her bedroom door. Nick was waiting for her sitting on the end of the bed. Of course he'd heard the conversation. The same thing she had been thinking had probably crossed his mind as well. It was going to be even harder for Nick to respect Matt after this. At least he didn't know about the bottle of wine. She debated whether or not she'd mention that. She crawled onto his lap and they wrapped their arms around each other. She felt absolute peace and contentment in his arms. She loved Nick more than anything but she was starting to worry about what would happen when people found out about them.

Jen didn't care anymore if the whole world knew that she loved Nick she just wanted to see him alive again!. _Nick, Nick where are you?_ She worried. She and Rhys had spent a frustrating morning in a Toorak street sitting outside Dane's mansion. _This is completely unproductive!_ _We don't even know if he's in there._ Jen refused to continue wasting time sitting in a car outside when it was absolutely imperative that they find Nick! She got out of the car and entered the front yard, Rhys following on her heels reminding her that they needed a warrant. Jen was always completely straight when it came to the rulebook but she was also smart and she knew when some rules could bend. Not that she actually cared about the legality at this point if breaking and entering Dane's house helped her find Nick but for Rhys' benefit she illustrated how the letter of the law could be bent when necessary. It was a good thing she did because Dane's house was left unlocked and empty. That indicated that he'd had done a runner and they needed to be looking for him. She refused to give up hope that Nick would be OK until she knew for sure that all was irrevocably lost.

When they got back to the office she and Allie started going through the paperwork and boxes of things collected from Dane's house trying to find some clue or something that could help track him down. She tried to stay calm and methodical keeping her mind open to receive that one piece of information that would lead her to Nick. Matt came in followed by Duncan and Rhys. He thought Dane might have gone to Queensland but right at that moment Jen's hands happened on an old magazine cutting about Dane and Tahnei. It said that there was a family cabin they used to go to. Her sharp mind realised that this was the most likely spot Dane was hiding out in, at least for now, and Nick could also be there!

"I don't think he's gone to Queensland," she stated explaining to the others about the cabin. Allie found the rates notice to a property in Warrandyte. Stanley sent her and Rhys to check it out. Jen hoped her hunch about Warrandyte was correct and she prayed she'd find Nick alive there.

Not long after they arrived it became clear that her hunch had been correct. Dane _was_ here. Her heart raced feeling she was that one step closer to finding Nick. Under a hail of gunshots Rhys couldn't get any reception to call for backup so she covered him while he ran up the hill to call for help. Jen couldn't wait for that though she went after Dane. She chased him through the bush desperate to find Nick. Dane was going for a black SUV - Alan's car. She fired a warning shot at it, trying to deter him, that hit the window of the SUV smashing it. She yelled out the police warning demanding that he drop his weapon. She wasn't entirely surprised that he refused to stop. He took cover behind a thick eucalypt trunk and started to goad her.

"You've lost you hear me. If you've come here for Nick Buchanan you're too late." _No. No_ she wouldn't believe it. "Just buried him. He's gone." Suppressed tears pricked in her eyes. She glanced over at the ground. Two graves. One filled. Somehow she felt that Nick wasn't there. She took a bet she had a fifty-fifty chance that Nick might still be alive. Dane fired at her again and she scrambled for cover. She wasn't leaving until she knew what had happened even if it _was_ Nick in the ground. Jen tried to ignore Dane's ramblings and focus on information that could be useful.

"...but I've killed everyone else that locked me up even that little prick Lombardi." _Ah ha!_

"No you didn't!"

"Yeah bang, bang he went down."

"You only winged him." Jen snapped back. Silence. She decided to call his bluff. "You didn't kill Nick either did you?"

Pain. Everything hurt and his head was woozy from the alcohol Dane had forced him to drink. Pain and fear: That was what he was feeling. Bound and gagged and covered in a filthy sheet he could not predict what would happen next. He didn't want to die! Something was happening outside he could hear gunshots and shouting…it sounded like Jen's voice! One of the shots smashed the window in the car he was lying in. His heart raced. Maybe there was reason to hope now that Dane wouldn't bury him before his colleagues found him: if he was going to go, being buried alive was not the way he wanted it to be, he'd rather be shot in the line of duty!

Jen banked on poor Sullivan being the one in the ground. "...so where's Nick?" She pleaded with Dane nearly breaking down and begging him unable to bear the thought of Nick dead. She forced herself to remain objective. Finally she broke through Dane's stonewalling and got the break she needed.

"Been saving him for last," Dane came out shooting at her then aimed for the car. In that split second Jen knew everything she needed to know. She didn't even have to think about it she fired a warning at Dane hitting him neatly in the shoulder but Dane wouldn't stop. And there he made his fatal mistake. Never cross a woman in love especially if that woman is an armed policewoman! And Jen never missed her target. She shot him again neatly in his other shoulder but he forced her in the end to kill him.

More gun shots: Fear and frustration. Through his pain addled haze Nick strained his ears to try and discern the situation. He hoped Jen was all right, he couldn't hear anyone else but Dane out there and he couldn't see what was going on. He struggled again once more against his restraints. Suddenly the cover was whipped off his face and he flinched, half expecting this to be the end. Then he saw her face and he wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not.

"Nick," Jen said, a tear running down her cheek, relief clearly written all over her face.

Jen ripped the tape off his mouth and tried to help him out of the car, yelling out to Rhys. She struggled with Nick's weight as he leaned against her too weak to stand up by himself. He felt sick. He tried to turn away from her onto the grass as he vomited but some of it went down Jen's pants. He coughed in pain and partly delirious he tried to mumble his apology to her. As if she cared about that she was just so grateful to see him alive! "It's all right Nick," she tried to comfort him, stroking his cheek with her hand. He lost unconsciousness again and she buckled under his weight. He was too heavy for her and she slumped down against a tree cradling his body against hers. She got out a hanky and wiped his mouth trying to examine him gingerly to determine his injuries. She lifted his shirt revealing dark red, blue and purple bruising across his chest and ribs. She hoped he wasn't bleeding internally. She lent her cheek against his hair and kissed his head, he smelled bad but she didn't care. _I'm never letting you go again!_ Relief was not the word to describe her feelings as she held him up as best she could while she waited for Rhys to come back. Nick came to again but he could barely hold his head up and she was worried in case his injuries were more severe than they appeared to be, "Hang in there. Backup will be here soon," she assured him leaning back against the tree. _Oh Nick_. She pressed her head against his and cuddled him against her body just so grateful that she'd found him in time. She held his hands rubbing them softly to help the circulation return properly. Rhys ran up to let her know he'd managed to call for backup. He looked down at Nick collapsed in her arms.

"You found him! Is he all right?"

"I think he will be but he has nasty bruising to his ribs and chest and his breathing is laboured."

"Well the crew are on their way they should be here soon. I called for an ambulance as well. What about Dane?" Rhys said making a move towards his body.

"I think it's too late for him." Rhys examined the body being careful not to move anything.

"Yeah he's gone," he called back. "Are you all right Jen?" He queried noticing the tears on her cheeks.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," she tried to smile at him. "I had to shoot him. He had Nick's gun he was going to kill him. He wouldn't stop." Rhys nodded.

The ambulance arrived fairly promptly and the crew started attending to Nick as soon as they arrived. They had to wait a bit longer for their colleagues to arrive. Then they had to stay while the scene was processed and Jen gave her statement and handed in her service revolver. All the while she couldn't keep her eyes off Nick. Typically he refused to stay in the ambulance once he'd fully regained consciousness and got some of his strength back. Jen was glad that he seemed to be recovering quickly and was able to stand on his own again but she was still a bit worried. Nick was tough, she thought but she hoped he really was OK, the bruises she'd seen were pretty nasty. DSS Wolfe approached her as she was walking towards the ambulance.

"Jennifer you've had a tough day. The ambos have given Nick the all clear to leave so why don't you take him home. Keep an eye on him," he said kindly. Stanley wasn't blind but so long as they were discreet and it wasn't brought to his attention he had no problem with it. Jen watched as Dane's body was zipped into a body bag and loaded into the back of the ambulance. She wished she could feel some remorse about that but all she felt was relief. She approached Nick who was also watching Dane's body being taken away. Nick could hear people around him speaking but he still felt dazed and couldn't focus properly, everything was a blur. Vague thoughts of a shower and a meal preferably with Jen for company flitted through his mind. He felt someone tugging at his arm. It was Jen.

"Come on I'll take you home. I can get your statement when we're there." That was the best thing he'd heard all day! Without saying anything he got up and followed her.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

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><p>Nick stood at his door dumbly. He wondered what had happened to his keys and thought vaguely that he would have to change the locks. Jen got the hide-a-key and opened the front door and led him inside. He hadn't spoken the whole way home and she was starting to get a little bit worried that maybe his injuries were after all worse than the medics had first thought. He stood inside his hallway staring into space. She was filled with overwhelming gratitude and love just to see him there again remembering how she'd felt only just that morning. She made a move to hug him but he held his hand out to stop her. <em>Nick? <em>She felt the sting of rejection and turned her head away trying not to sob and discreetly wiping away the tears she couldn't stop from falling.

He wanted to take her into his arms and hold her but he knew he really stank from nearly four days without food or water and access to the toilet. He needed a shower first. The electrolytes he'd been given had started to wear off and he was feeling dizzy, weak and shaky and had a stomping headache. He wavered slightly on his feet and steadied himself against the wall as he stumbled his way to the bathroom.

"Do you need any help?" She asked concerned and unable to leave his side. He smiled weakly at her grateful for her presence and raised a hand,

"I'll be right."

Wanting to rid himself of his filthy clothes and all reminders of Dane and his dirty shack he stripped naked where he stood in the hall not caring that Jen could see him. She turned around to give him some privacy even though she'd seen it all before. She picked up the dirty clothes wondering if he wanted to wash them or throw them away. She decided to put them in the washing machine he could always throw them away later if he wanted to. She went to his bedroom to get him some clean clothes and put them and a clean towel just inside the bathroom door for him, checking that he'd made it into the shower without hurting himself. He was standing under the water just leaning against the tiles. He seemed all right so she left him there for now and busied herself tidying up and making him some food to keep her mind off the emotional turmoil she was feeling while she waited for him to finish. She hoped they could talk after he got out but when he finally came out of the bathroom he walked out straight into his bedroom like he was sleepwalking and collapsed onto the bed still naked. She stood by his bed and he turned over, away from her, asleep already. She covered him with the doona and reached out to touch his hand that was sticking out under the covers but there was no reaction to her touch. It was almost too much for her to bear. "Nick," she whispered her voice shaking from emotion. She wanted to get into bed behind him, wrap her arms around him and curl up just to be near him and hear his heartbeat again but she couldn't. They were over and she wasn't invited. She nodded, her chin shaking slightly. It had been her choice to end things between them or she could be there in his bed with him now. She wondered if he still loved her. Another tear ran down her cheek, she wiped it away as she reluctantly left his room, taking one last look at him before she closed the door. She leaned against it sobbing quietly. Should she go home? Should she stay? She was exhausted. She really wanted to stay but she wasn't sure if he would want her to. Her clothes were dirty and she needed a shower she decided she should go. She could always check up on him again later.

She got into her car and drove home. Once she got there she kicked off her shoes, stripped the dirty clothes off leaving them in a pile on the floor and got into bed. She curled up into a ball hugging the pillow he used to sleep on and let herself cry freely. Fatigue and all the emotions she'd packed away during her intense search for him poured out of her wracking her body with sobs. She cried with relief because he'd found him alive, with sadness because she couldn't tell him how afraid she'd been and because he still didn't know how much she loved him. She was so grateful that at least he was still alive but this was not the way it was supposed to be! She cried herself into a deep sleep through sheer exhaustion.

_She wanted to comfort him she knew he needed it and he wanted her to stay but she couldn't. Not now. How could she when the ghost of Juliette hung between them? He'd moved on and she couldn't let him see how hurt she was. She couldn't talk about it it was too painful. She didn't even want to think about him with anyone else. Her entire body bore the anguish she felt and she knew she'd cry and she couldn't let him see that. She had to leave. She set her lip firmly against the tears that threatened unable to even look at him as he murmured goodnight to her. When she got back into her car she lent her head against her arms on the steering wheel, sobbing softly. She regretted her decision to end it with him almost as soon as she'd done it. He was always on her mind. The number of times she had used all her will power not to call him or end up on his doorstep because she missed him so much. She knew she'd hurt him by calling it off well now he'd broken her heart by sleeping with someone else. So they'd gone their separate ways heartbroken over their shattered relationship both unsure of how to fix it. _

Hours later Nick woke up from a dreamless sleep. He turned over, his arm over his face, trying to gather his thoughts and remember how he'd got here back in his own bed again. Images of Jen passed across his thoughts but that wasn't surprising she was always on his mind. Had it all been a horrifically realistic dream? He felt his ribs and touched his chest and his face gingerly. He grimaced. No the pain from being hit by the car and kicked in the ribs sharply by Dane was still there. It started to come back to him in fragmented memories; lying in the back of that car under the filthy tarp hearing the gun shots thinking his life was about to end and what a shitty, unfair way to go it was. He'd lost everything that was important to him: Jen, his job and now he was about to lose his life as well but Nick was a fighter he didn't want to die! He'd struggled as much as his aching, weakened body would allow him to against the restraints but Dane had bound him with his own handcuffs. Then it was Jen's face that appeared not Dane's. Jen. Jen, like an angel she wouldn't let him die. She shot Dane. She'd saved him. And he hadn't even thanked her. His thoughts dwelled again on the face that was most dear to him in all the world and he remembered seeing relief and something else he couldn't quite identify in her eyes. She'd been crying. He got out of bed and walked out into the main area of the house but it was dark and silent. Jen wasn't there. Of course she wasn't. What did he expect? His lovely Jen, beautiful Jen except she wasn't his any more and he just plain missed her all the time. He wished she hadn't left he didn't want to be alone.

He looked around. Everything was just as he'd left it except he noticed she'd made some food and left it on the kitchen counter for him. The dirty clothes he'd thrown on the floor were gone. Jen must have taken care of them. His heart swelled at her care. After everything she'd done for him the affection he felt for her had only taken even deeper root, which he had never thought could be possible. There was a time he'd thought she loved him that way too but she'd walked away from him leaving him devastated. Until Jen he'd never cried over a woman. Was she his friend now then? He didn't know what she was. All during his troubles she had been there for him and they'd started to regain some of their old friendship. He was sure he could never love anyone else as much as he loved her. Even more sure than ever now that he'd had a brush with death and she'd saved him. But the love between them was bruised and thwarted by more than one obstacle and the biggest one he thought was his fault. His head hung in sadness at the rift.

_"I've got to go." She walked over to the couch to collect her things. He sat on the back of it willing her to stay, trying to convey with his whole being how sorry he was. Yeah he'd slept with Juliette but it was always Jen he loved and wanted._

_"Jen," he implored. She stopped, their heads almost touching, emanating a depth of grief, wanting most of all to fall against each other but she couldn't. He pleaded with her silently, radiating his love and the depth of his longing to have her back in his arms but he'd hurt her too much. His mouth wavered in sadness, "Night Jen." He felt thoroughly ashamed of himself._

_"Yeah, see ya." Her slight touch to his chest sent a bolt of adrenalin rushing to his heart. He couldn't look at her. He'd been such a fool and he felt like he'd lost her all over again._

The humiliation of that night in the interview room being grilled by his senior colleagues over what was supposed to have been a private, casual fling still made him flinch internally. Everything had been aired in the worst most public way possible and if that humiliation wasn't enough he knew Jen was witness to all of it. How stupid he'd been, how Juliette had only slept with him because she was after a story and how he'd let her. He didn't want to her to find out at all but especially the way that she had. It added salt to the wound when Jen refused to let him apologise or even talk about it on a personal level reaffirming just how over they were. What would he have said to her anyway? It was just sex. It meant nothing. It doesn't change the way I feel about you. It sounded pathetic even to him. He'd stuffed up. His failure was complete she'd never come back to him now. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, take her to bed with him and show her how much he loved her and only her but it was too late the damage was done. He'd been lonely, sad and heartbroken and trying to move on. He'd only ever intended to have a drink with Juliette for some company because he didn't want to have to spend another evening alone. He didn't think Jen was ever going to come back to him so he'd allowed Juliette to seduce him because he'd given up. She was attractive and she'd come on to him. He wasn't proud of himself but he was an easy mark. He'd thought she might make him feel better and she was good company for a while but spending time with her really just reminded him more of how much he still wanted and missed Jen. Worse than the pain of losing Jen as a lover though had been losing her as a friend. He felt guilty about Juliette on more than one account: He hadn't had any feeling for her, he'd allowed her to sleep with him to try and make himself feel better and it hadn't worked. He did regret sleeping with Juliette. She knew what she was doing but _he_ knew he was selfish and he was grateful she hadn't known he cared so little. It was ultimately a bad decision and not worth the price either of them had paid.

He rubbed at his eyes and went into the bathroom and took some Panadol to try and rid himself of the pounding in his head. As he ate the food Jen had left for him he thought about what he was going to do now. Nothing much had changed for him he was still up the creek without a paddle. He should rescind his resignation, get his job back and face the music even if that meant having a corruption charge on his CV as unfair as that would be he couldn't see how things were going to be otherwise. If Lombardi had his way he'd be put in prison but Nick never walked away from a fight.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

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><p>Jen called him mid morning the next day to get his statement. To his disappointment she kept things businesslike but then she had been at the office so he shouldn't have been surprised at that. She took him into the break room when he arrived to go over his statement. He'd hoped to talk to her properly before he told her that he'd decided to rescind his resignation. He gazed at her with absolute love in his heart. He pushed aside her report wanting to finally thank her for saving him as well as feeling the need to inform her of his decision. They looked deeply into each other's eyes, their unspoken words more powerful than those uttered.<p>

"Good. I don't want to lose you."

She tried to keep it together, sitting across the table from him, when what she wanted most was to be in his arms. So he'd withdrawn his resignation. A pang of anguish raced through her heart as he said it. Of course he should be reinstated but what did this mean for them? She didn't know. Did he mean anything by it? He started reading her report. She watched him, her hands tucked under her chin concentrating hard on not crying. She was just so unspeakably grateful to see him sitting across the table from her alive and all right but she wanted to feel his love again. She wanted to go back to the beginning and start again. To be in his arms again, for him to forgive her and love her again the way he used to. She wondered all the time if he'd meant the things he'd said to her months ago. At the time it had been a shock to hear it and she didn't think she was ready when he'd suggested it. She'd recoiled and run away like a scared child but she'd changed her mind and she wanted that life with him now so much! She wished she hadn't turned him down when he'd asked her but she was too proud and afraid to tell him she'd made a mistake. But he was the one who slept with someone else. And so soon after they'd spilt up. She knew it wasn't fair to blame him for Juliette. But it hurt. A lot. She'd made the biggest mistake of her life in breaking up with him and she'd regretted it ever since. Her greatest fear now was that he didn't want her anymore that he'd given up on her and moved on. She swallowed softly in despair, she felt so weak and vulnerable, so exposed. She tried to surreptitiously wipe away a tear that had escaped. Nick looked up from his reading and noticed.

"Are you OK?" he asked gently.

"Yeah," she smiled at him. "I'm just a bit tired. I haven't had much sleep the last few days." He didn't think that was the complete truth. Jen didn't cry without good cause but this wasn't the appropriate time or place to question her about it. He wanted to comfort her, he yearned for her but he needed to stop thinking of her like that she'd made it clear that they were through. He went back to reading her report. She watched him, his handsome face concentrating on the words he'd spoken that she'd typed out for him, the curve of his brow, his lips moving ever so slightly as he read and she wanted to reach out to him but she felt rooted to the spot.

_Two graves were dug and one was filled in. She called his bluff pleading with that psychopath to tell her where Nick was. She knew there was a body in the back of the car and she didn't know what she'd find if she looked. Dane aimed at the back of the car. Nick must still be alive! She shot Dane in the shoulder to stop him from firing but he wouldn't give up. She shot his other arm but he was psychotic and she had no choice she had to take him down, she wasn't going to let him kill Nick! She ran over the car unsure of what she was going to find. Was it Alan or Nick? She peered in fearfully. There was movement. She ripped the sheet away and Nick looked at her. She ripped the tape off his mouth, both of them never more relieved to lay eyes on each other. _

They hadn't spoken about that moment yet. They hadn't really spoken full stop and her heart was bursting with everything she needed to let him know. She sat patiently across the table from him as he read the report.

Their day was fairly busy filling in paperwork and processing crime scene information from Warrandyte. Jen also had to give a formal statement and interview over her shooting of Dane Majors. Killing anyone even a criminal usually made her feel dreadful but she hated herself for the fact that this time she couldn't feel any remorse at all. She wondered if she and Nick would spend time together this evening as had become their habit before he disappeared. She was feeling extremely vulnerable and it made her edgy.

The day wore on and they'd actually hardly spoken to each other. Nick wanted to spend the evening with her hoping they could talk. He thought taking her to dinner to thank her for rescuing him was the perfect excuse to take her out but he hadn't asked her yet. It had gone past home time but neither Jen nor Nick wanted to leave without the other. The others had all left for the day except Matt who was just coming out of his office and saw them still sitting there working.

"Jen, Nick, go home! Nick, mate you shouldn't be doing a late one after what you've just been through!" They both nodded gathering their things to follow Matt to the lift. Nick deliberately lagged behind wanting to ask Jen to come to dinner with him before she left.

"Jen," he whispered. "Want to get a bite to eat?" Her face broke out in a smile as her heart leapt at his invitation.

"Yeah."

He took her to an intimate place near his home where he hoped they could talk in the quiet surroundings. When the waitress brought their first course Jen looked at hers and realised that they'd made a mistake. She sighed feeling annoyed that she was going to have to complain but without a thought Nick reached over and took the olives out of her salad and put them on his plate knowing how much she detested them. It was such small gesture but it was one of the things about him that made her love him so much. His thoughtfulness and tenderness towards her she supposed had been the thing that had made her fall in love with him but it didn't hurt that he was very easy on the eye either! He was smart, kind and generous and he had immense integrity, he cared deeply about people and doing the right thing and he was a great cop. He was such a lovely man and he always took such good care of her when she needed it. She watched him as he ate her heart full of love for him.

They'd both been quiet but he wondered what was on her mind. He needed to know if he stood a chance with her but they'd nearly finished their meal and he hadn't got the courage up to ask her yet fearing her answer. He wanted her but he wasn't sure he wanted her to risk possibly being tarred with the same brush of corruption that he was by associating with him closely. But more to the point there was the fact that he still felt afraid. If she came back to him now it _had_ to be for keeps. He wanted to marry her and have children with her. He craved that life with her even more now that he'd had all those hours to think when Dane was holding him captive. But she'd said she wasn't ready for marriage and children, she'd turned him down even when he'd said that all he wanted was her. If she didn't want the same things he did then maybe she'd been right it _was_ foolish to continue a relationship where they were possibly risking their careers? She'd hurt him so much when she'd left him and he didn't think he could take it if she came back to him and then left again. But that was his mind speaking to him. Overriding all these obstacles he knew that he loved her and didn't want to live without her he needed her. He gazed at her as they ate. He couldn't help it. When he'd first met Jen he'd thought she had a very pretty face and was very attractive. He'd thought that pretending to be her husband wouldn't be so hard. As he got to know her better he found her breathtakingly beautiful as he discovered her kind and generous nature, her courage and strength, her intelligence and the wicked sense of humour that sparkled in her eyes and he'd fallen in love with her. She looked up and caught him staring at her.

"Penny for your thoughts," she smiled.

"Sorry I was miles away," he blushed giving her an embarrassed smile and went back to his food. The pang of disappointment clutched at her heart. She stared down at her plate and picked at her food. There didn't used to be anything they wouldn't tell each other. Nick had been quiet and reticent all through the meal and they still hadn't really talked apart from him thanking her for rescuing him. They were usually fairly good at sensing each other's feelings but this time she had no clue what was on his mind. He hadn't yet made any move on her and she blinked back the tears wondering if he just didn't want to. On the verge of tears she reached for the bread and the tips of her fingers brushed his. She wasn't sure how much longer she could pretend that she was satisfied with just being his friend.

He drove her home and he felt the usual anticipation of a goodnight kiss as they sat in the car outside her house.

"Thanks Nick that was nice." She looked like she was about to cry and he wanted to touch her face and ask her what was wrong but he hesitated and she got out of the car before he could. "Night."

"Night Jen," he felt disappointed and irritated with himself that he hadn't had the courage to talk to her. He waited as she walked up the path and closed the front door behind her. He sighed. Courage in the face of physical danger was so much easier than emotional courage.

The next day at work flowed much the same as the previous day except Commander Waverley called a meeting just before they were leaving: Homicide was being disbanded by Lombardi, they only had until Friday! They couldn't believe it. Jen went home with Nick because they both wanted to talk about what had just been announced. She knew she was probably setting herself up for a fall but she couldn't stay away from him. They cooked dinner together and ate, sitting on the couch afterwards talking and having a glass of wine. They both knew they needed to talk about their relationship but both were afraid and they carefully steered around the necessary discussion and concentrated instead on the events that were unfolding at work.

"It's ridiculous. How does he think homicides are going to get solved with department heads in charge? It's a joke!" Jen said disbelievingly as she sipped her wine.

"Rhys had it right. It's political wrangling that's what it is," Nick stated angrily.

She looked at her watch. It was late. She didn't want to but she had to go. Nick noticed her looking at her watch and felt sad. He had his interview with ethical standards the following morning and her company alleviated the dread he felt. He wished she'd stay but he couldn't bear to be turned down if he asked.

"It's late I better go," she said reluctantly. "You have your interview tomorrow don't you?" She asked gently.

"Yeah."

"You shouldn't worry it'll be fine. Just tell them the truth, you had nothing to do with it." She touched his hand. "They can't touch you." Nick wished that were true. He walked her to the door and there was momentary awkwardness as each of them hesitated before Jen reached up and gave him a hug. His heart swelled as he held her closing his eyes and breathing her in never wanting to let her go. She smelled so nice and he'd never wanted her more. He leaned back and gazed at her desperate to kiss her but he still wasn't sure how she felt about him. They let each other go.

"Night Nick."

"Yeah. Night Jen."

She walked down his front steps and back to her car despondently. All those anxious hours sitting in the dark and quiet of his house alone, everywhere filled with the memory of him and the fear that she'd lost him forever.

_She'd wandered into his bedroom and sat down on the bed. Everything was as he'd left it as though he'd just gone out and was coming back. She laid her head on his pillow, it smelled faintly of him. She'd rubbed her cheek against it tears forming in her eyes. Happy memories of making love, chatting and sleeping with him in that room filled her thoughts. What if he never came back? She couldn't face finding him dead she was barely managing to keep her emotions in check as it was, she knew she'd lose it completely if he wasn't all right. Hold on Nick you've got to come back. I love you! I love you Nick. Please, please come back! No she had to stay strong. Until there was evidence to the contrary Nick was alive and she'd hold onto that! _

She'd taken his blanket and gone back out into the lounge room and sat on the couch and waited, thinking. At least he was back now, she was grateful every day for that and they were friends again. She was happy to be spending a lot of time with him but she knew that wasn't enough for her. She loved him. She wanted more. She wanted _him_.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

Dialogue borrowed from City Homicide, No Greater Honour episode "Ghosts." Story by Alix Beane, John Hugginson and John Banas, screenplay by John Hugginson.

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><p>Four hours Nick had been in there being grilled over his involvement in the planting of evidence in the Dane Majors trial. Four hours! Unable to sit still while she awaited the outcome that would determine his fate she got up every twenty minutes or so to check if they were still in the meeting room. As she anxiously hung around she did some thinking and she came to a decision. She couldn't wait around for Nick any longer. She felt she'd been patient for long enough waiting for him to make his move and he hadn't. She thought that if he <em>did<em> still care for her at all then perhaps he needed a push from her for encouragement. She positioned herself next to a pot plant trying to be as inconspicuous as possible and used the time she had to wait to psych herself up for the challenge of confronting him. _Finally_ the officers from ethical standards left the room.

She was there waiting for him when ethical standards were done with him. She'd kept track of the time and wanted to know how things had gone. He was pleased to see her and he really appreciated her friendship, he was glad that she still cared. She was always around since she'd rescued him she seemed to be sticking to him like glue, not that he was complaining! They were spending nearly all their free time together but he still wasn't sure where he stood with her. On first sight of her entering the room he really wished he could take her into his arms and hold her. She was a sight for sore eyes after being interrogated by those two officers for hours on end! She took his breath away looking really beautiful in a red shirt and black suit and wore the pearl necklace he'd given her around her neck. It meant a lot to him that she always wore it. After the harrowing morning he'd had he could have done with a hug but he was glad she was here at least and was in his life even if she didn't want to be his lover. She'd said they couldn't be together while they were both in homicide and neither of them had left. Maybe he _should_ have left homicide; maybe then they would have stood a chance? They chatted for a moment about his interview. He thought his chances of getting off were slim with Lombardi after his hide but he didn't want to lumber her with all of his problems. He asked her if she knew where she was going to transfer.

His question gave her the perfect platform from which to give him a shove and she leapt on it.

"Well the way I see it the issue was always both of us being homicide cops."

He was floored. _Really? It wasn't more than that?_

"So you better hurry up and decide where you want to be transferred. Just give Fraud a miss. OK?" She gave him a cheeky smile.

He stared at her. _What?_

She didn't hang around for him to reply to her, leaving the room fairly promptly. She'd taken him so much by surprise that he wasn't able to move immediately, standing on the spot dumbfounded wondering if he'd actually heard her correctly.

Her front of bravado made adrenalin race to her heart and her hands sweat. She started to feel shaky as the effects began to wear off and she nearly collapsed. She walked briskly into the ladies entering the closest stall and leaning against the door to recover. So what would happen now? Would he take the bait? She'd just have to wait and see. She went back to her desk feeling agitated hoping and praying that he wanted her back.

Nick stood in the meeting room for nearly five minutes cogitating over what had just transpired between him and Jen. Jen always did have a wicked side he thought to himself amused. It was one of the things he loved about her! He chuckled to himself; he knew it was her way of giving him a kick in the pants. Over the initial shock his thoughts redirected to his primary concerns. So what did she mean homicide was the only issue between them? Marriage and kids: Did this mean that she wanted all those things now? And if so what had changed her mind? Feeling light headed with elation he was excited to find out and couldn't wait until after work to talk to her. They were busy all day so he had to wait, unable to properly concentrate on what he was doing, his thoughts constantly drifting back to what she'd said. Finally the others started to leave and it looked as though they were alone. He looked around to make sure no one else could hear.

"You wanna get some tea?" he asked hopefully. She gave him one of her beaming smiles.

"Sure. Let me just finish up here first. Meet you downstairs?"

"I'll get the car," he grinned.

They decided to share a pizza at an Italian cafe down the road from Nick's house. Now that they weren't together Nick kept his inner most thoughts to himself and Jen wasn't entirely sure what he was thinking. She felt nervous because she wasn't sure if her ploy was going to work but he'd asked her to dinner so that was a good start. She played it up trying to make him feel at ease enough to talk to her. She sighed, they'd nearly finished their dinner and yet again he hadn't said anything.

Jen could lather on the charm when she wanted to and she was being particularly flirtatious with him tonight and it was turning him on which he found incredibly distracting. He couldn't think straight and he needed to to figure out what he was going to say and how he was going to say it. He really needed to ask her but it was difficult, it felt awkward to just come out and say it. He thought that it was ironic that he could go up against the most violent criminal and he could still feel like he was in control yet he was finding it so hard to tell the woman that he loved how he felt about her. Maybe it would be easier to talk in the familiarity of his lounge. They'd nearly finished so he asked her if she wanted to get coffee back at his place.

They walked back side by side along the dark streets towards his home and his thoughts focused again on what he'd been thinking about nearly non-stop since Jen had rescued him: He wondered where their relationship was going. He thought about what she'd said to him in the meeting room. They'd spent every evening after work together and he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want to just be friends with her. After everything he'd been through with Dane he didn't want to waste any more time he needed to know! The darkness created an intimacy and their fingers brushed lightly as they walked. He hesitantly put his arm around her. She looked at him in the pale streetlight and smiled, lacing her fingers through his and pulling his arm even closer around her and it made his heart thump in his chest. She rested her head against his shoulder and he stopped walking and looked at her, his body tense with desire and longing. He traced the outline of her face with his fingers and tentatively leaned towards her. She pulled him down onto her mouth and kissed him as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. All those days locked up in Dane's shack, in pain, wondering what would happen to him and if that was going to be the end, wishing he could hold Jen just one more time. He'd never actually told her he loved her and he wanted to. He felt uncontrollably emotional as he kissed her. Embarrassed by the tears running down his cheek he hid his face in her hair cradling her head against his shoulder with his hand.

"Oh Jen," he kissed her head and rubbed his cheek against her hair his voice cracking with emotion, "I love you. I love you so much!"

"Nick," she breathed nuzzling into him. "Oh Nick. I love you too!"

His voice broke and his breath heaved in his chest as he hugged her tightly, "Please don't ever leave me again."

She pulled back slightly and placed her hand against his cheek. "I was so afraid when you disappeared," her face crinkled and her lip wobbled with emotion, a tear fell down her cheek at the remembrance of it and she was so overcome she could barely speak, "that I might never see you alive again." Feeling completely overwrought she nuzzled into him again sobbing quietly, her hand behind his head, cuddling him as close as she could, "I don't want to ever lose you!" He pulled back and they looked into each other's eyes, renewed love and understanding radiating between them, the bond they shared even stronger than it had been before. "Nick," her voice pleaded softly, "I want to start again. Can we begin again?" That was all he had hoped to hear from her. His lips pressed against hers kissing her with fierce desperation, his hands pulled her even closer so their bodies pressed together in a passionate embrace. She wiped the tears off his cheek with her thumb and they kissed each other again and again. They walked the rest of the way back to his place with their arms around each other.

When they got to his house they'd only just got in the door and Nick pulled her into his arms and kicked his front door shut with his foot. He kissed her deeply and ran his hands over her back and her waist edging them up under her shirt and loosening her pants. He pushed his hands inside her trousers edging them down over her hips, caressing her bottom through her underwear. She sighed blissfully as he ran his hand over her breasts through her bra and pulled her shirt up over her head. He let go of it and it fluttered down, a flame of red against the white of the wall, to join the ebony pants already on the floor. She grabbed his belt and started to undo his trousers. They didn't waste any time shedding the rest of their clothes in a trail down the hall on the way to his bedroom. The first touch of skin against skin in months made them both gasp. Kissing and laughing and hugging each other in joyful reunion they fell onto his bed. They made love in a frenzy like two people who'd been denied each other for far too long, speaking their names and quiet, breathless words of love and adoration. He rolled onto his side taking her with him and they lay in each other's arms, her legs still wrapped around his waist, their skin hot and their breathing fast from exertion. He placed small kisses all over her face mouthing, "I love you," in between breaths. She sighed happily giggling as they fought each other for kisses. They'd barely recovered their breath when he turned her over again and she could tell his mood had become serious again. He kissed her deeply, lovingly, declaring unequivocally the feelings that words just weren't enough to express.

"You're so amazing," he muttered against her neck hoarsely, "you're so beautiful. Oh baby I love you so much."

"Nick," she breathed softly. He ran his hands over the curve of her waist and hips, caressing and kissing her devotedly. She could tell the need in him had progressed to a precipice again. He groaned,

"Jen," his body tense and trembling with desire. He rolled on top of her barely able to speak from arousal, "I need you. Are you ready?"

"Mmm," she moaned softly, nodding, "Yes. Yes. Nick," she whispered cuddling into him, kissing his chest and running her hands down his back. She rubbed her legs against his in encouragement as he joined her again. They took it slowly, kissing tenderly, whispering words of endearment. He held her face gently, holding her gaze as he moved with her and it was even more intense than the first time. Finally satisfied for the moment he rolled them over, cuddling her as they panted out of breath. The night was cool so he pulled the doona back over them when the initial heat of exertion wore off and sweat started to make them feel cold. They laced their fingers and he kissed her again and again telling her how much he loved her and had missed her. His Jen was with him and he felt truly happy for the first time since she'd left him. She closed her eyes, at peace for the first time in months, back in his arms where she belonged. They clung to each other never wanting to let go speaking words of love softly to each other until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

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><p>AN: Pheww <em>finally<em>! Don't worry this isn't the end..yet.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

Thanks too so much for the reviews and comments from those of you I can't thank in reply. Thanks! You all give me encouragement to continue.

Only the epilogue after this I'm afraid but I might do a sequel when I find the inspiration. A few ideas are already forming ;)

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><p>Nick was still asleep when Jen woke up. His arms were still wrapped firmly around her as he slept and she snuggled back against him thanking the Lord for her second chance. She lay in bed for a few minutes enjoying the comfort before she decided that she'd get up and make him breakfast in bed.<p>

Nick slept better with Jen beside him but he hadn't been sleeping well since his release from Dane and though he played it tough his ribs were still sore and he was still recovering from his injuries. When he woke up and realised Jen was gone he momentarily panicked until he heard the clash of cutlery from the kitchen. He smiled to himself and relaxed. He'd slept better than he'd slept in long time. Last night still seemed like an amazing dream. Being with Jen again he felt as though nothing else in the world could take him down and he didn't even care about the corruption charge and Lombardi all that much anymore. They were back together. They still hadn't talked but he was sure of her love even though he felt anxious about having the conversation with her that he knew they inevitably had to have.

As she pottered about in his kitchen she smiled as she thought about how much things had changed for her in just a few days. Only three days ago she'd stood on this exact spot wondering if she'd ever see Nick again. She'd realised then that she needed to stop wasting time. She wasn't getting any younger. They'd loved each other for five years and despite other partners and separation their feelings for each other had remained constant. They'd taken care of each other, covered for each other, backed each other up through serendipity and adversity and all these things had only brought them closer together. That was a pretty good track record in anybody's book! She knew then that if she got him back she needed to tell him how she felt and what she wanted.

She set a cup of tea down on his bedside table. "I made us some breakfast," she said softly tucking her legs up under her on the bed beside him. He sat up against the headboard and smiled at her gratefully.

"Thanks Jen."

She kissed him. "Well you're always taking care of me now it's my turn," she crawled onto his lap and straddled him kissing him softly then wrapping her arms around his head. He held her as she kissed his face over and over again. Gentle kisses for each bruise and wound, gratitude that he was here with her and they'd been given another chance. She pressed her head against his, "I love you so much Nick." He turned her over wincing slightly in pain as he bent over and laid her back against the sheets and ran his hands up underneath the shirt she was wearing. She was naked underneath. He smiled and kissed her, running his hands slowly up and down her torso from her hips to her breasts. Love was not the word to describe how he felt about her, she was the most precious thing in the world to him and he wanted this to be forever but he was still afraid to ask her. All those hours spent thinking lying on the floor in Dane's shack and he finally had her back and he didn't think he could live if he ever lost her again. He kissed her gently, clutching her against him with his face in her chest. "Nick what's wrong?" she asked suddenly afraid of what he might be thinking.

He started chuckling, "I guess his 'lucky shirt' was more lucky for me." Jen looked at him like he was cracked so he had to explain. "Dane kept going on and on boasting about his life and everything he'd lost and then he put on that bloody shirt saying it was his 'lucky shirt'." Nick laughed so hard his eyes started to water all the while clutching her tightly in his arms. "He met his match in you though!" Jen raised an eyebrow not really understanding what was quite so funny. She assumed that this was Nick's way of exorcising some of the bad memories. "Thank God he did otherwise we wouldn't be here together now." He kissed her then hid his face against her hair embarrassed by the tears caused by the memory of that moment, "I thought I was never going to see you again Jen." He took a deep breath and Jen knew he was crying. She held his head against her shoulder, stroking his hair and cuddling him.

"So did I," she said softly. "But I couldn't face that. I couldn't give up hope on finding you alive."

He kissed her deeply. "I thought about you a lot, all the good times we've had," he kissed her neck. "I didn't think I was ever going to get the chance to tell you how much I love you," he said running his hands up under her shirt again caressing her skin lightly. He pushed her shirt up and kissed her stomach working his way up her body as he pushed the shirt up and removed it and they forgot about breakfast their thoughts focused only on each other.

They fell easily back into their old habit of coming home together after work and eating dinner. It was such a lovely evening that they decided to go out for a walk after they'd eaten. It was warm for an early December evening and a lot of families were outside in the park, children were playing on the grass and in the playground. They sat down on a bench Nick's arm around Jen's shoulder while she leaned against him and just enjoyed the warm evening and each other's company. It had been such a long time since they'd done anything like this together. It almost felt strange because it was so normal. A woman walked past them with a pram, she talked to her baby as she walked by and Jen felt a pang of longing. She wasn't sure when this had started only that now she and Nick were finally back together she didn't want to put things off any longer. She grasped his hand at her shoulder and kissed it and he turned to her, stroking her face with his finger. She wondered if he was thinking to same thing she was.

He watched the woman and her baby walk away down the path. He could imagine Jen doing the same thing, he hoped in the not too distant future. He needed to talk to her but they'd only just found each other again, they were so happy and he didn't want to risk spoiling things by pushing her. He needed to find the right time and he just hadn't yet. There was one other thing too that was playing on his mind that he really didn't want to talk about at all but he felt he had to and the sooner it was over with the sooner they could move on.

_It wasn't supposed to be this way. You were supposed to feel elated after sex but instead he felt like crying and he was starting to wish Juliette would just leave. It felt as though this was the final nail in the coffin to his relationship with Jen but at the same time even though she didn't want him he felt as though he'd betrayed her. He felt terrible that he was feeling this way it wasn't Juliette's fault. He reached over and touched her face affectionately but he knew he was pretending and it made him feel like a low life. She wanted to talk but it just wasn't the same when it wasn't with Jen and he didn't really want to talk to her. He wondered if sex for him was ruined forever because it would never again be with Jen?_

He had to clear the air with her before he talked to her about marriage but he was dreading it, he knew it was going to upset her.

"Jen," he said quietly and took her other hand. He held it and kissed. "I need to talk to you about something." He'd rather forget it but neither one of them could deny that it was there, this silent, unspoken canker between them and he knew they had to get this out of the way before they could truly move forward. He needed her to understand, he needed her to forgive him. Jen felt a silent dismay creeping from the pit of her stomach and up to her heart. "I need to talk to you about Juliette."

No, no she really didn't want to talk about that she'd rather forget! She couldn't bear to think about him being intimate with someone else it was just too painful, she didn't want to know. "I don't want to know. Can't we just forget about that?" She asked miserably. He kissed her hand and held it to his cheek.

"I know you don't want to talk about it but _I_ need to, it's praying on my mind. I need you to understand how it really was. I know we weren't together but I feel like I've betrayed you in some way. I have to clear the air so we can move forward with a clean slate." She turned her head to hide her face feeling like she was on the verge of tears now and not sure if she could hold them back.

"Please don't," she pleaded quietly, the tears in the corners of her eyes threatening to fall now. He put his arm around her and held her against his shoulder, kissing her head and stroking her hair.

"I was hurt and lonely. I went for a drink with her but I never intended to sleep with her. She came on to me and I just sort of gave in. I know it's no excuse and I'm not proud of myself but I didn't have any feeling for her. I know that makes me a heartless brute but being with her only made me miss you more. I'm sorry Jen will you forgive me? Please?" She started to sob softly against his shoulder she couldn't help it. It was torture for him seeing her so upset and knowing it was his fault. He tried to comfort her kissing her hair and holding her gently against his shoulder.

"Oh Nick." It took her a few minutes to calm herself enough to reply to him. "It really hurts and I was angry at first but I love you so much. I couldn't blame you. We've both made mistakes." She kissed him. "I forgive you if you forgive me. I just want to be with you nothing else matters anymore." He leaned back to look at her and saw the tears on her cheeks and depth of love and sincerity in her eyes. His voice faltered slightly as he clung to her kissing her tenderly.

"Oh Baby I was so afraid you could never forgive me, that I'd ruined it between us."

"No Nick, no. I love you too much. Lets forget about it, please."

When they got home they made love, comforting and reassuring each other then cuddled up together discussing the day as they usually did. Jen lay in her favourite position, on top of him with her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He ran his hands up and down her back slowly, kissing her shoulder every now and again. Jen sighed loudly breaking the peaceful mood. She drew circles on his chest with her finger, "I am _so_ unenthusiastic about moving back to fraud! It's going to feel so pedestrian after solving homicides," she sighed again. He squeezed her shoulder and kissed her head. She looked up at him and smiled. "Well at least I have you to come home to. That makes it worth it." She lay thinking for another few moments lazily caressing his arm. "Any idea where you're going yet?"

"Well I think a lot depends on whether or not I get charged with corruption. I could end up directing traffic." Jen reached out for his hand and laced her fingers through his.

"Well I'd stop for you," she joked grinning and pulled his hand up to her mouth and kissed it. "And you'd look pretty sexy in that uniform," she gave him a seductive smile running her hands up and down his abdomen suggestively and he grinned back at her. It was so unfair that poor Nick was being made the scapegoat on this sordid affair. She hadn't stopped thinking about it; he did not deserve a corruption charge on his record! She went back to being serious. "Philip Canter's testimony as well as Ethan Derwent's should finally prove you had nothing to do with evidence tampering!" He kissed her. She was always looking out for him. He was so lucky to have her love and friendship. He wouldn't be alive without it.

"Well we'll see how it turns out tomorrow. Lombardi's a smart son of a bitch he could talk his way out of anything _and_ he thinks mud won't stick to him. We might get lucky though. It depends if Ethan has the chops to go through with it properly. Bernice and Terry put the willies' up him so hopefully we'll get what we need." He felt nervous as well as excited thinking about Ethan's meeting with Lombardi in the morning. He yawned. He still felt weary and not quite back to normal after his long ordeal the week before. He looked down at Jen and kissed her head. "We need to get some sleep." She smiled and kissed him then he turned over spooning up behind her and turned out the light.

He slept better with Jen beside him but he was still waking up in the night in a sweat due to nightmares of being covered in that filthy sheet and buried alive before his colleagues could get to him. He woke up flailing with his arms in the air, kicking the covers off the bed and it took Jen a few minutes to calm him down. She wasn't without her own bad dreams either and she clung to him. The made love again in the middle of the night half asleep reminding them both that he was alive and reassuring each other that they were together again.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own City Homicide or it's characters (unfortunately)

This is pure fiction any likeness to real people or events, strange but purely coincidental.

Dialogue borrowed from City Homicide, No Greater Honour episode "Ghosts." Story by Alix Beane, John Hugginson and John Banas, screenplay by John Hugginson.

Ah so sad it's finished :( I re-watched the last episode of City Homicide and they did it nicely such a pity it had to end but then all good things do. At least they gave us a great ending!

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><p>After Bernice's speech he'd decided to go home for a bit. She'd smiled at him and raised her drink but he couldn't help feeling anxious that now that homicide would not be disbanding Jen may change her mind about being with him. Given how close they'd become, even closer now than before their split, he didn't think she would leave but he couldn't be 100% sure until he heard it from her. His heart raced fearing she might call it off again now that homicide wasn't being disbanded. He made himself some lunch and sat out on the patio eating it, thinking. If she stayed with him after today he was definitely going to ask her to marry him again.<p>

She looked around and noticed he'd slipped out again. She sighed, she thought she knew why he'd left: the wounds inflicted by their separation hadn't fully healed and he still felt insecure and vulnerable. She had a pretty good idea where he'd gone though so she got in her car and drove to his place.

He heard someone at the door and got up to see. His heart leapt when he opened the door to Jen, she'd come after him again. She walked in nonchalantly pointing out that he wasn't going to have much time to finish his renovations. He thought that was probably true especially as all his nights were occupied now with much more pleasant activities. He followed her and cornered her by the dining table pressing his body gently into hers and holding her hands, needing to ask her the one thing that was foremost in his mind. She looked at him seriously knowing what it was he was going to ask her.

"No second thoughts?"

She shook her head, "No. No second thoughts." She put her arms around his neck but still he wanted to make the point absolutely clear for both of them.

"We're both in homicide now." The final barriers in her mind having been dissolved she answered him without any hesitation. There was no way she would ever consider giving him up again now she didn't care about anything else!

"Well it doesn't matter any more." She looked deep into his eyes so that he could see that she meant it absolutely _this is forever Nick_ _I don't have any doubts I love you. _He looked at her his eyes full of love and relief. She leaned forward for a kiss and he kissed her with so much love in his heart, running his hands around her waist. To his frustration they were interrupted by work calling so their brief interlude came to an abrupt end. He would have to wait until tonight. Nick grabbed his jacket and followed her out the door feeling like he was walking on air. He was definitely going to ask her. Maybe tonight he'd see how things went.

They held hands as they walked to the car hardly caring anymore if anyone they knew saw them. So long as they were discreet during working hours and in the building their superior's would probably turn a blind eye to them anyway.

"Seems so pointless arresting Bert Robson the old guys not long for this world he probably won't even last until trial." Jen commented.

"Yeah that's the law though. Can't let murderers walk free." Jen gave him a look _yeah I know that _and Nick raised her hand to his lips with a smirk.

"Mind stopping by my place on the way I need to get some things?"

"Sure." He looked at her and wondered if this might be the right time to talk about moving in together. They spent all their time together and she was practically living with him already and he loved it that way.

She put her clothes and her bags down in his bedroom and went back out into the lounge room. She didn't know exactly when things had shifted in her mind but she didn't think about her place so much anymore. When they'd begun their relationship they had nearly always slept at her place. She loved her bed and her home but now that seemed redundant and what she wanted more than anything was to not to have her place and his but to share a home with Nick. She approached him from behind and hugged him. He smiled and turned around and took her hands in his,

"Jen it seems pointless one or other of us always having to rush off in the morning or go home to get things. We spend all our free time together anyway and there's plenty of room here. I know it seems a bit sudden but I don't want to waste any more time we know we love each other I want you here all the time. Why don't you move in with me?" She smiled that he had been thinking the exact same thing she was. She put her arms around his neck. She appeared to be thinking and he thought for a moment that she was going to say she preferred to keep their living arrangements separate.  
>"Well if we do that we're going to have to do some rearranging. There's no room here for all my stuff as well as yours." He was elated and he didn't care if she wanted to throw everything of his away and start again.<br>"Whatever you want Jennifer," he said kissing her and running his hands down over her hips. She raised her eyebrow and tugged at his shirt pulling it out of his trousers and ran her hands over his chest and removed his tie then wrapped her arms around him hugging him lovingly. He closed his eyes and rocked her in his arms for a second breathing her in. She lifted his shirt up and started kissing him, sighing appreciatively as she ran the tips of her fingers down from his chest to the top of his pants then inched her hands slowly down low on his back all the while seductively maintaining his eye contact. She smiled at him then started to kiss him passionately. He was completely undone, he groaned and slid his hands under her bottom then lifting her up he carried her into the bedroom and threw her on the bed landing on top of her.  
>"Nick!" She squealed, laughing.<br>"You turn me on Jen," he growled nibbling at her neck making her giggle as he started undressing her. She threw her arms around his neck and sighed,  
>"I love you." They stared at each other for a moment then he took her face in his hands unable to fully vocalise how much love he felt for her. He buried his face against her neck and held her,<br>"I love you too."

They lay next to each other on the bed talking.

"Well it looks like you're definitely off the hook now. So did it feel good?" Nick did a double take, smiling at her amorously and Jen grinned at him, giggling. "Not that," she slapped his arm. "You have a one track mind," she rolled her eyes at him. "_Arresting Lombardi?_"  
>"Oh that. Yeah," he put his hands behind his head and smirked, "there was a certain sense of satisfaction." He looked far too pleased with himself so Jen started to tickle him. He grabbed her rolling her over, pinning her arms above her head and kissed her passionately. "You should know," he said between kisses, "that you can never win that game."<br>"Oh really?" She ran her hands low on his stomach. He gave her a sideways look,  
>"Now Jen. That's not playing fair."<br>"Who said it had to be fair," she laughed and pulled his mouth down onto hers for a kiss. They held each other peacefully for a few moments then he pulled back and looked at her, amused.  
>"You're in a playful mood tonight."<br>"Well I'm just really happy," she smiled at him kissing him softly, "I love you." And then her stomach growled, "We should think about getting dinner I'm starving!"  
>"What time is it?" He twisted to try and see the clock. "Ah it's late. We really need to plan better and get dinner ahead next time or we're going to starve."<br>"Don't you have anything in the fridge?" Nick looked at her like she should know better.  
>"Not unless you want beer for tea." She shook her head at him and hugged him, sighing.<br>"Well that's one thing that's definitely going to change around here!" She kissed him softly. "You don't have anything at all?"  
>"I haven't had time to go shopping. We get home and then you distract me," he blushed and thought for a moment. "There's a Chinese place that's probably open. It's not that great but it's better than nothing."<p>

_One month later_

They walked in the front door together. They'd only just finished moving all her things into his place the previous weekend and put her house up for rent. He still couldn't quite believe that she was living here with him now. Jen skipped over to the dining table and put her bag down on it.

"I've got something for you." She dug around in her handbag and brought out a box and gave it to him. He took it with an intrigued look on his face.

"What's this?" He smiled.

"Well why don't you open it and find out," she grinned excitedly. He opened the box and saw his watch again only Jen had had it repaired. He turned it over; there was an engraving on the back

_Forever, Jen._

"I got it back from evidence after we found you. They took ages to fix it but I thought you'd rather have your old one repaired than have a new one. I know how much you love that watch." He felt speechless. He smiled at her and pulled her into a hug.  
>"Thank you." They shared a tender kiss and then Nick nibbled at her ear speaking softly into it making Jen shiver, "You know I actually got you something too." Jen pulled back from their embrace a curious smile on her face.<br>"Really?" She blushed unable to think what on earth he would have got her.  
>"Um yeah." He wasn't sure if he should have bought it or if he should have left it up to her to choose but he hadn't been able to resist he wanted to be able to put the ring on her finger if she said yes. His palms sweated as he worked up the courage to give it to her.<br>"Nick what's up?" She asked starting to feel worried about what was on his mind and why he was hesitating.

He was so nervous. He took her hands in his and kissed them he knew his heart would break if she said no but he prepared himself in case she shied away. At least even if she wouldn't marry him he was sure she wouldn't leave him again. He picked up the pearl pendant on her neck and held it on his finger pad.  
>"Remember when I gave you that?"<em><br>How could I ever forget?_ "I've never taken it off."  
>He held her gaze. "I never want to have to say goodbye to you ever again Jen. We're for keeps." He loved her so much. He knew he wanted it to be like this always. "I know you said you weren't ready before and I don't want to push you but I want to ask you again so you know I still want this even if you aren't ready to say yes yet." He paused for a second, "Jen," he swallowed. "Jennifer, will you marry me?" She felt astonished and exhilarated all at the same time. The past couple of months had shown her just how wrong she'd been to turn her back on a life with Nick. Without any hesitation she kissed him, "Yes," she said softly. "Yes. Nick, yes!" He gazed at her and took a shuddering breath hardly able to believe she'd agreed and put his arms around her in a tender embrace. She smiled at him and put her arms around his neck, reaching up to kiss him. "I love you," she said softly. "I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else but you."<p>

He took the box out of his pocket and opened it showing her the ring.  
>"If you don't like it I can take it back and you can choose something else," he said nervously. Jen looked at the ring, it was really lovely just a simple gold band with a good sized diamond solitaire set into it. She held out her hand so that he could put it on her finger then she held it up to the light to watch it sparkle.<br>"It's perfect," she kissed him gently, "Thank you." She hugged him kissing his neck then his chin. "I love you." He took a deep shuddering breath not quite believing everything was going so perfectly.  
>"You have no idea how much I love you," he breathed.<p>

They made love and lay together afterwards her head against his chest, his arms around her stroking her back tenderly.  
>"Nick," she blushed deeply, flushing hot with embarrassment, hoping that he hadn't changed his mind. She drew small circles in the hair on his chest unable to look at him, and said quietly "I want to have a baby." He stared at her surprised. "I'll be 35 next birthday and I don't want to leave it too late. I had a lot of time to think when you disappeared. I know I said I wasn't ready before but I feel differently now. " He gazed at her adoringly flipping her over so that she was cradled in his arms beneath him. He held her face in his hand and kissed her deeply then tenderly.<br>"Well then you better marry me first."  
>"I already said I would," she laughed.<br>"So when do you want to do it? What kind of wedding do you want?" She kissed him.  
>"I don't want a big wedding just something small with our families and some close friends and I don't see much point in waiting do you, we both know this is what we want." He stroked her face gently. She was making him happier than he ever thought could be possible.<p>

The End...for now.


End file.
